The 5 Love Languages

People speak different love languages.

We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another.

After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person.

We fail to reckon with the reality of human nature. By nature, we are egocentric. Our world revolves around us. None of us is totally altruistic. The euphoria of the in-love experience only gives us that illusion.

We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional.

true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.

if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love.

If love is a choice, then they have the capacity to love after the “in-love” obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude—a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, “I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.”

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

One, don’t ever mention painting the bedroom again.” I repeated, “Don’t ever mention it again.” “I don’t see how that’s going to help,” she said. “Look, you just told me that he knows that you want the bedroom painted. You don’t have to tell him anymore. He already knows. The second suggestion I have is that the next time your husband does anything good, give him a verbal compliment. If he takes the garbage out, say, ‘Dan, I want you to know that I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.’ Don’t say, ‘About time you took the garbage out.

Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

“She didn’t want advice; she just wanted to know that I understood.”

We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

For the female, sexual desire is far more influenced by her emotions. If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional closeness she may have little physical desire. Her biological sexual drive is closely tied to her emotional need for love.

Another way to discover your primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse. Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you.

the difference between the in-love experience and the emotional need to feel loved.

The in-love experience temporarily meets one’s emotional need for love. It gives us the feeling that someone cares, that someone admires us and appreciates us. It is short-lived (usually two years or less)

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day.

Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.

Love is not our only emotional need. Psychologists have observed that among our basic needs are the need for security, self-worth, and significance. Love, however, interfaces with all of those.

First, observe how you most often express love to others. If you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. If you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language.

It may be true that more men have Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation as their love language and more women have Quality Time and Gifts.

Love is a choice. We can request love, but we cannot demand love.

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